Intro: A lot of guys seek out dating advice from their female friends. Some of this advice is good, but a lot of it is very misleading. Here are some reasons why women give bad dating advice, and how to find dating advice that works for you.
I’m sitting in a cafe in Toronto with some friends, and we’ve chatted up the girls at the table next to us. They’re cute, and enjoying the conversation, so they start asking me the usual questions.
“What do you do for work?” says a brunette with big green eyes that my buddy has been chatting with all night. I usually avoid this question with people I just met, because it always leads to the same old conversation….
“Chris is a dating coach” my buddy answers. Looks like I’ve been busted. But I’m not concerned. I know exactly what she’s going to say next, because I have had this conversation a thousand times.
“Do you hire women? I would make a great dating coach”.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that 80% of women say the exact same thing. They think they would be great dating coaches. And if you are a guy who has dating problems, you probably have female friends who are eager to give you advice.
And here’s the problem: the advice they give is usually terrible.
Why do women give bad dating advice?
Before we start, let me make it clear that I’m not saying that women aren’t capable of giving good dating advice. And I’m not saying that they don’t know what they want.
But I am saying that a lot of women are over-confident in their abilities to give good dating advice for men. And a lot of men make the mistake of giving too much weight to the opinions of their female friends.
Women have a hard time giving good dating advice to men because they lack the right perspective. They tell guys to be “confident”, have “style”, and “be yourself”, but they don’t really know what men do to express those qualities.
They only know it when they see it.
Here’s an analogy that might help:
Getting dating advice from women is like taking cooking lessons from a restaurant critic.
A restaurant critics understands food – heck, they’re experts on food. But they come from the wrong perspective – that of the customer. So they know what tastes good, and they may even know a little bit about what went into preparing the food they ate. But they have no idea what goes on in the kitchen. Their experience as a critic doesn’t make them the least bit qualified to tell you how to grill a steak or make a risotto.
After all, who would you rather learn cooking from: Jamie Oliver? Or someone who ate at every nice restaurant in town?
When you get dating advice from women, most often the advice is true, but useless. Just like the sort of advice that a restaurant critic would give.
Lets take some common advice you may have heard and translate into cooking advice.
I remember I used to hear the old advice: “Just be confident. But don’t be too confident” If you translate that into cooking terms it might come out like: “Don’t over cook the food, but don’t undercook it either”.
How about the fashion advice: “You should cut your hair and wear some xxx designer, women love that”.
That’s not bad advice, but it’s the same as saying, “The secret to cooking is making French cuisine, cook that and you can’t go wrong”.
Or how about the advice: “I love it when a guy does nice things for me, like buy me flowers”.
Again, I’m not going to say that you should never do nice things for a woman or buy her flowers, but those gestures only work when you’ve already done everything else right. It’s like saying “I really like pickles on my hamburger. Make sure you put lots of pickles on”. I can guarantee that nobody eats a hamburger just for the pickles.
As I said before, none of these statements are untrue. They’re not malicious or foolish. But they’re useless, and they are misleading if taken seriously.
Once again, I don’t mean to say that women can’t give good dating advice to men. In fact, I have a few female friends who I bring out on Bootcamps and who are really helpful with guys. But the women I work with have spent a long time time learning about things from the male perspective. And getting an idea of what goes on in “the kitchen”. Just being a woman does not by itself give anyone any special insight into dating.
So what should you take from this? Treat all advice from your female friends with a grain of salt. Trust her when she’s talking about her subjective experience. Pay attention to how she reacts to different situations, and how things make her feel. But when her advice starts getting “in the kitchen”, and giving you actionable advice, you need to recognize that she may not know any more than you do.
Where should I go for good dating advice?
Most importantly, if you’re looking for dating advice, you should seek out advice from men. Men who understand what goes on “in the kitchen”. Men who have faced the kinds of problems that you face. And men who have achieved the kinds of results you want to achieve.
No matter how weird or difficult your problems are, there are thousands of guys who have been through the same. They are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and mentors. If you can learn from them, you will save yourself a huge amount of experimentation and heartache. You don’t need to re-invent the wheel, you need knowledge that has worked for other guys like you.
If you want to meet guys like this, there are tonnes of communities like this online. Reddit’s /r/seduction site is a good one, as is The Attraction Forums. I encourage you to check them out, participate and learn from one another. And to start, why not share some of the worst dating advice you’ve gotten in the comments below.