If you’re someone who is working on improving your self esteem, you might find this blog post painful and uncomfortable.
You also might save a lot of time and energy and get a lot more out of your life (including success with the ladies).
Consider yourself warned.
I want to destroy your faith in self esteem, and I’m going to tell you why.
In my work, I often deal with guys who are on an emotional rollercoaster.
When things are going well with women, they feel good.
And when things are going bad, they feel really bad.
And that creates a cycle of neediness and depression and all sorts of problems.
And a lot of those problems are related to the search for self esteem – and the fact that self esteem is – in my humble but fairly well educated opinion – boulshyte.
Why is the search for self-esteem boulshyte?
First, I have noticed over quite a long time that the people I know who are most effective and most confident, don’t seem to bother with the idea of self esteem at all.
As I have said before “confidence isn’t judging yourself as good or bad, it’s not judging yourself at all”.
I have also noticed that the more people seem to believe in the importance of self esteem, the more likely they are to be obsessed with their lack of it.
In the end, it seems quite clear that while self-esteem is perhaps a product of success, it’s not a cause of success.
And so seeking out self-esteem itself is a waste of time.
Second, because Human beings have been observing one another’s psychology since the beginning of time.
And a lot of great writing has been about how to cultivate the mindset of a successful, effective person.
And while they didn’t use the word “psychology”, most great philosophers were actually writing about psychology.
Aristotle wrote about psychology.
Socrates wrote about psychology.
The Buddha wrote about psychology.
St Augustine and the early fathers of the Christian Church wrote about psychology.
And nobody that I’m aware of, throughout all of human history, ever identified “self-esteem” or anything like it, as an admirable quality until the 1960’s.
In fact, all of those writers wrote quite the opposite. They wrote about “pride”, “ego”, “narcissism”, “vanity” and other concepts that have a lot in common with “self-esteem”, but they wrote about it as if it was a very bad thing.
Maybe they were onto something.
Finally, if you want a scientific opinion on the matter, here’s a good video by Jordan Peterson explaining why he thinks the scientific evidence on self-esteem is extremely weak.
The problem with self-esteem seems plain enough.
You’re a human being.
You let yourself down. You are flawed.
If you believe you need self-esteem to perform in life, then failure is an attack on your motivation.
If you believe in the importance of self-esteem you NEED to ignore your failures or you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning.
That’s not healthy.
It’s putting your emotional needs (the need to feel motivated and like life is worthwhile) in conflict with the truth (you often screw up and you may be your own worst enemy).
To put it another way, the search for self-esteem seems to cause you to be torn between delusion and depression.
Like I said, boulshyte.
Now, there are a lot of things that are similar to self esteem that are extremely valuable. You need confidence, you need introspection, and you need to believe in your own self-efficacy. I’ll talk a bit more about those things in the near future.
Anyway, if you want to learn how to upgrade your dating life from a guy who really doesn’t give a crap about your self-esteem and will give you the unvarnished truth about what you’re doing wrong, just click the link below.