Someone recently asked me this question, and I think it touches on a raw and painful theme that I have seen a lot on social media…
I’ve become very disillusioned with society recently. I feel that with hookup culture and polyamory being as prevalent as there are, there’s no longer any place for someone who wants to have a loving monogamous marriage. Especially a woman, given that men no longer want to marry due to the negative consequences of divorce.
How can you keep carrying on knowing that the things which traditionally give life meaning are likely out of your reach?
I absolutely understand where you are coming from.
I get a lot of messages from people who are incredibly frustrated with the modern dating scene. And, as I have said before, the dating market is broken – it is not easy to start a meaningful relationship with someone these days.
Dating is hard. Building a positive, beneficial relationship is hard.
But it can be done. You just need to have the right focus, and the right attitude.
First – you need to realize that the problem is not the solution.
One hallmark of depressed thinking is to dwell on your problems. We do this because, subconsciously, we believe that the solution to our problems can be found by looking at our problems.
But most often (in fact, nearly always), the solutions to our problems have nothing to do with our problems.
Let me give you an example: If you get bitten by a snake, your problem is the snake, and the bite.
But the solution is a hospital, many miles away.
The problem and the solution have nothing to do with one another.
10,000 years ago, cave men also had problems with snakes. I’m sure a bunch of them thought really hard about how to fix the “snake problem”.
But here we are, 10,000 years later, and snakes still bite people.
All those problems that the cave men had are still around.
We haven’t eliminated our problems – we have just found new solutions.
That’s why people who fixate on social problems tend to get lost, they tend to get distressed.
Because they are problem focused, not solution focused.
So what’s the real solution?
First: You need to realize that you don’t need to sort out society, you only need to sort out ONE life, and that’s your own.
And if you sort yourself out right, you start to be a positive influence on the people around you.
When you start being a positive influence on the people around you, suddenly your environment changes.
And although, you only fixed a tiny bit of society, you did it all yourself and you get to enjoy all the benefits of it.
And you know what? It’s actually VERY EASY to be a positive influence on the people around you.
In fact, you can break it down into a few easy steps.
- Adopt the most positive lifestyle you can.
- Encourage the people around you to do the same.
- Surround yourself with good people as much as possible.
- Reward good behaviour, even if it’s small. Never take things for granted.
- Don’t reward bad behaviour.
- Encourage people to encourage you and to encourage one another.
- Be patient with everyone.
It’s not a quick fix. It requires work and persistence, but you’d be amazed what you can achieve in just a few months.
When you make a conscious decision to adopt a positive lifestyle, and to not be ashamed about it, the people around you notice.
The encouragement and support you give to the people around you begin to change the social fabric that surrounds you.
The people around you – at least the ones who aren’t too negative – start changing their attitude. They start contributing too.
It’s really incredible when you start to see it happen. It’s the power of inspiration.
But someone always has to be the first mover. Someone has to bear that burden before others come around.
And if you want to live a life surrounded by positive people – that person needs to be you.